3 years, 4 months

My Sweet Mollie-Girl, 

Tonight is the last night you are an only child. I thought I had a few more weeks to savor you, focus on you and snuggle you, but you and I were in a car accident that on Tuesday and that resulted in placental abruption, caused contractions and is resulting in a c-section.  

Baking with Grammie

Brother snuggles

Okay... fast forward 13 days and here I am to continue this letter.  I didn't get to finish it in the hospital... things went so very fast.  Then, your brother was in the NICU and it took us 6 days to even get home. Then the whirlwind of healing and feeding and sleeping and changing.  Your grandma, aunt and three cousins were here for the first week, so life was crazy but good.  This week, your Grammie is here and we are trying to adjust, but I am having so much pain.  Your Grammie extended her trip and now your Grandma is coming back on Tuesday.  

You have been so patient!  With everything!  This summer I carted you all over the place.  Your Popa passed away and we were back and forth to Dallas many times, we were in IL, OH, MI, IN, PA, TX and OK and for the most part you were with me.  You are a great traveler, and because of our rooming situations, you had no schedule.  Then we got in a car accident and instead of us being able to savor our last few weeks with you as an only child... BOOM!  We had a baby, and one that required extra care.  He is definitely healthy and doing well, but that first couple of weeks was a bit rough. 

Cousin Love

Celebrating Olivia's Birthday

This summer you have developed a few interesting behavioral things, and I don't know if it is because of our travels, how little you have been with mommy and daddy together, all the changes, too much stimulation or just being three years old, but here goes...  You like to yell, talk back, whine, and spit. We are working on all of these things, and you seem to understand that they are unacceptable, but we are definitely spending a lot more time in the thinking chair.  However, the tender side of me wonders if this is a result of how I have managed your life this year... it has been overwhelming and you have already been faced with death of someone close to you at such a young age.  You still talk about it every day.  

You don't really dig having your picture taken these days...

But you love wearing pretty, pretty dresses!

You and I love to snuggle with each other!

On the flip side though, you are incredibly loving, sweet, caring, affectionate and kind.  Any time you see that I am hurting you want to fix it, when your friends cry, you want to make it better. You give me, Daddy and Max kisses and hugs all the time and make sure I know that you love me... even when you are spending time in the thinking chair.  You are funny and a performer (always want to put on a show, which makes me so happy), and you enjoy bowing and clapping ;-)  You are literally my sunshine... you bring me such joy and working through the struggles of figuring out the parenting thing is something I am grateful for and feel quite fortunate to be blessed with.  

You are so smart, so kind, so funny, so energetic, so full of life and personality, you have leadership skills, and are 3 going on 30.  I don't want to squash any of that in you.  I find that I continue to gain confidence in my parenting even despite what others have to say about it.  

A lesson from me to you... people will always have opinions of you and the way you do things.  Wisdom can come in a multitude of council, but you also have to know what accept as something that resonates with you and what to set aside and advice that you disagree with.  Otherwise, you will be swayed with the wind, and that can be dangerous and harmful. This is something I am learning in a big way right now, and I am 38 years old, so I want to pass these little nuggets on to you as I learn them.  

Here are some pictures of me and you from our summer of fun!

The most important thing is that I love and adore you, you are an incredible kid and your Daddy and I know that even despite the mistakes we have made and will continue to make and learn from that we are raising an incredible kid that will do great things.  We are so very proud of you and who you are, who you are blossoming into and the relationship we have with you.  We are so grateful to call you daughter, and I am fortunate that I get to be your mommy... what an honor. Keep smiling and laughing and keep making others smile and laugh... You are treasured every single moment of every single day!

I love you my sweet monkey... stay exactly who you are, but with less yelling, whining, and spitting.  ;-) 

Mommy

One Week Old (37 weeks gestation)

Hey Sweet Baby,

I can't believe that you are supposed to be in my tummy for 3 more weeks, and instead you are 1 week old. Wow! 

This week has been pretty calm. Grammie  is here this week, but I feel like I spend most of my time in bed. I'm definitely in a lot of pain, but I am trying to enjoy every moment with you.

I have put you on the floor three times and you have rolled over on your back. Whaaaa?  Are you a genius?  ;)

You and your sister are in love. Well... you know nothing about anything but peeing, pooping and sleeping, but you will love her. You respond to her and look at her.

We are having a bit of an issue with you gaining weight, but we will get there.

Love you little bug,

Mommy

Your Birthday - July 23, 2015 (36 weeks gestation)

Hi Sweet Boy,

Well, guess what?  You are here... ALREADY!  On Tuesday, July 21st, Mollie and I were on our way home from Mollie's swim class at Mr. Brendan's.  We were at a stoplight at Saundersville Road and the lady behind me (her little boy was also in Mollie's class) let her foot off the brake and instead of putting her foot back on the brake, she threw it on the gas.  She flew into me pushing me into the car in front of me.  The doctors kept telling us that even though we had seat belts on, you did not.  Your sister was in the car and she was fine.  I thought I was fine.

Your Uncle Abe and Aunt Val offered to come get us and take me to the hospital.  I am sure glad they did.  After talking to the officer, we drove home.  When I got out of the car, I doubled over in pain and started having contractions.  Abe and Val arrived a few minutes later, I threw a few things in a bag and we went to the hospital.  When we got the ER, they took us pretty quickly up to Labor & Delivery and put us in a Triage room.  They connected you to a fetal heart monitor and hooked up a monitor to measure contractions, which I had for the next 12 hours non-stop.  They were pretty painful.

They typically keep accident victims for 4-6 hours to monitor the baby and then let you go, but my contractions weren't letting up and my blood work was turning up odd numbers.  They were back and forth about keeping me or letting me go.  Then the conversations started about moving up the c-section, concern over something called a "placental abruption" and whether or not they should leave you inside.  They decided to keep me over night and monitor me.  The next day the blood work seemed better, but the doctors were still worried.  They said they would keep me the full 24 hours and then do an ultrasound and make a call on next steps.

With all the information, blood work, contractions, ultrasound, etc. they determined that I did have a placental abruption and were concerned about internal bleeding and placental blood clots.  However, because you were stable and I was stable, for the most part, they let us wait until Daddy could arrive from New Hampshire.  The Luke Bryan team was amazing, and they put your Daddy on a plane immediately.  He arrived at the hospital at 1am on Thursday, July 23rd.

They scheduled us for the c-section at around 9am.  However, around 5:30am, I had an episode.  Your daddy and I thought it was a dip in glucose, like I had throughout my pregnancy, but my blood pressure took a nose dive and I couldn't speak.  I could hear everyone talking, but I was unable to speak or respond.  They put a lot of fluids into my system and I slowly started feeling better, but they moved my c-section up to immediately, because they felt the placental abruption had something to do with my dive in blood pressure and my blood work.

The anesthesiologist said they would have to put me under completely during the c-section instead of doing the spinal shot because of what had just happened.  I started crying, because all I wanted was to see you for myself the moment you came out of me.  I didn't want to be completely out of it.  They calmed me down and said they would do a regular epidural, but they would have to use tape, which I am highly allergic to.  I said that was fine as long as I could be awake and see you for myself.

Once they prepped me and your Daddy, they started the procedure.  I heard some strong crying and they put you up to my face (behind a cloth wall with a window), you were PURPLE!!!  I was so happy to hear you crying that you being purple didn't really register with me.  They took you over and started suctioning your lungs and working to clean you up.  You were having issues breathing and they said you needed to go straight to the NICU.  I did't get to hold you or anything.  I begged them to let me kiss you, which they did and then they whisked you away and I was left to get sewn up.  I was devastated.  All I wanted was you to be near me, to be nursing you.

Once I was sewn up and stabilized, they let me go to the NICU to see you.  Your daddy pushed me down there in a wheelchair.  You were hooked up to tubes and wires (monitors) and I didn't like seeing you that way.  You had oxygen and a feeding tube.  I started to stroke your face and your body, and they told me that was too much stimulation for you.  They told me I could only put my hand on you.  My heart was broken that I couldn't hold you for an entire day.  I started pumping immediately and thankfully, the colostrum, and subsequently, my milk came in very quickly, which they injected via the feeding tube.

The NICU doctors kept promising that I would be allowed to nurse you in no time, but it took an entire day and half.  I got to hold you the 2nd day in the NICU and that made my heart soar.  I did immediate skin-to-skin contact and your oxygen normalized, as did your heart rate.  I knew you knew me, you were calm and everything leveled out... we were together.  I was so very happy.  Then... I was finally able to nurse you.  You turned out to be a great nurser... even though you had a very tiny mouth.  I was in pain, but it was all worth it.  I also kept pumping, but they let me work on nursing you every day too.  Your daddy and I had multiple moments where we realized how fortunate we were.  You were the healthiest baby in the NICU.

The morning of the 4th day of your life, they brought you to me in our room.  I have never been so happy.  You were there, in the room with me.  I felt such joy knowing you were okay.  My body had reacted to the adhesive from the epidural and I had a horrid, oozing rash, my c-section incision was causing me great pain, my nipples were sore and bleeding, and I just felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck, but you were there, in my arms, and I was at peace!

The last day in the hospital, July 26th (we had been there since the night of the 21st), we were supposed to both be discharged.  They were supposed to work it out to discharge us at the same time.  Well... they discharged me and the nursery had forgotten one additional test... the car seat oxygen test.  Can you ride in the car seat and get enough oxygen without any episodes.  Well... you failed twice :-(  You were so tiny and you just weren't handling being in there.

So... there we were.  They had to keep you an extra night and I had been discharged.  I lost my room and they had to move us into a conference room.  They brought us cots, which your grandma made up, and we couldn't get anything from them, because I had been discharged.  The next morning they did the car seat check again and you passed with flying colors.  They said that even 12 extra hours of life can make a huge difference.  I thought that last night in the hospital was going to break me, but we managed and were able to bring you home late in the day on Monday, July 27th, 6 days after I was admitted.

What a ride!  But... you are handsome, healthy and hungry.  You are perfection. Your sister loves you, we love and adore you and you are in my arms!  I am so glad you are here.  You make us complete.  Welcome home, my little love.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy